By Ulf Björnholm , Environment & Sustainable Development Specialist for Swedish Government, Blogger & FORCV correspondent in CV

Blog: A CAPE VERDE BLOG: Big thoughts from a small island
Link: bjornholm-ottosson.blogspot.com

Today is the International Woman’s Day. I will therefore devote this article to a favorite subject of mine: parenthood and gender-equality.

Let me start by a declaration: I am an extremely privileged man. Not only am I happily married to the most wonderful and smartest woman I know. And not only am I blessed with an extraordinary healthy, energetic and funny little two-year-old. My privilege is even larger than that. Why? Well, it’s quite simple: more than having a family that I love, I actually have an abundance of time to spend with them, and in particular with my son.

Historically, geographically and culturally, the concept of a stay-at-home-dad is very new, and it still is – unfortunately – extremely rare. The number is growing, but it is yet only a tiny proportion of all men who ever gets the chance to spend any significant time with their children. In almost every culture and society around the globe, women are considered most appropriate to bring up children full time, in particular small children. Some would even claim say it’s against “God’s will” (had there been one) or the laws of biology to do otherwise.

This is all nonsense, of course. Men are just as fit and capable to raise small children as women are, if only they had the will and the encouragement. The only thing that men can’t do is to breastfeed, which is why it might be more convenient for the woman to stay at home during the first 6-12 months. But this biological circumstance gives no excuse for continuing in this way when the baby grows older. Moreover, thanks to the invention of breast-pumps, men can in fact nowadays take care of this aspect as well.

For me, the decision to take a break from my career within the Swedish Government Offices and follow my wife to Cape Verde as a spouse and full time dad was easy, and I haven’t regretted it one bit. The experience of taking care of our little guy and to see him grow, take his first steps, develop new skills and personality, learn to speak (in our case Swedish, Finnish and Portuguese at the same time) is nothing but fascinating, and invaluable.

This is not to say that being a full time parent is easy. Those who might think that being at home with the kids equals leisure and fun only are very much mistaken. Changing nappies, cleaning up all kinds of mess, making baby food and having to get up in the middle of the night to comfort a baby can sometimes be very tiring. What is more: the level of responsibility is immeasurable. Being responsible for a baby’s or a toddler’s safety, sustenance, clothing, hygiene, physical and psychological development etc is a HUGE task. The predominating idea that paid employment is somehow more important or valuable to society than raising kids is completely flawed.

To be a full-time dad anywhere is great. But to be a full-time daddy in Cape Verde is even better. During my first paternal leave, when we were living in Belgium, I was responsible for almost every home duty, including cleaning, dish-washing, cooking etc. This would be the normal situation for the parent staying at home. As expats living in Cape Verde however, it is almost compulsory to employ a housekeeper. This means that I am liberated from many of these ordinary obligations, and I can therefore concentrate even more on fatherhood. Moreover, we have employed a babysitter who takes care of our little one now and then. This gives me some free time which is normally a very rare luxury in this area. Thanks to this, I benefit from all the advantages of being a full time dad, while still finding some time of my own, for instance to write a few blogs.

So, what are the downsides of being a stay at home dad in Cape Verde? I can only list a few, and they all have to do with other peoples prejudice and expectations. For instance, at times I have received surprised stares, laughs and comments in the streets of Praia when taking walks with the baby pram. I remember two women once passing by who even offered their help to take care of the baby. Also, quite a few people who have been unaware of our family situation have taken for granted that I am the one with a job, and addressed my wife as a housewife. I must confess that this is a bit annoying. Other than that, life as a house-daddy is not difficult here.

It should be obvious by now that I am quite proud to be a stay-at-home-dad. And I call on all fathers to try it on for size for as long as they possibly can; ideally to (at least) the same extent as the mother. If you are working, take parental leave. If you are unemployed, take full responsibility for the kids for a while. And if you somehow find that being a full time father is incompatible with your opinion of what a man should or shouldn’t do, get over it! It’s not worth loosing your time with your kids just because of an obsolete prejudice. I’m telling you, you won’t regret it. It is a true privilege to be a full time dad.

Full time stay-at-home daddies are certainly in the rise in Europe, the United States and to a lesser extent in Asia and in Africa. This phenomenon speaks volumes about the changing dynamics of educational opportunities and the traditional gender devision of labor. In other words, it seems that now women are more interested in getting an education than men, all over Europe and certainly in America. If you look at the gender statistics of Havard, Yale or Cornell Universities or any of the gender statistics of the elite HBCUs, you'd see that women are now represented more so than men. A lot more. The result? More professional women, i.e., doctors, engineers, MBAs, lawers, analysts like your wife, et cetera, are entering the white collar working force. The down side is that these professional women are increasingly choosing a career over child rearing duties which come with adverse consequences, because a man, no matter how good his child rearing skills are, cannot replace the natural child rearing skills of a woman, but the said women don't seem to realize this fact. Thus enter the stay-at-home daddy phenomenon.

Just my 2 cents.

You are more than welcome to rebutt them if you wish.

Hello Kakau. Thank you for reading and commenting my blog.

I would disagree with you that men are somehow less fit than women to raise children. Why? On what grounds? The answer "that's the way it has always been" doesn't do it for me. There is no hard scientific evidence that I am aware of that supports this view.

I would agree however that men - and women - are raised and educated to believe that it is so. And I think that this is a problem, because it ties women to the stove and men to the workplace, with very negative consequences for both of them - and also for the kids by the way. Therefore I think that states should set up systems (for instance through parental leave laws) that 1) offers very generous parental leave schemes and 2) encourage men to stay at home more with their kids (for instance through economic or tax incentives).

I would also agree that it is a general problem that societies are, increasingly, based on BOTH of the parents having to work, thereby spending less time with their kids. The answer is, however, not that women should give up more of their career or education, but that men should. And it's not really giving up, by the way. I still don't get it why most men don't see it as a privilege to be able to spend time with their children.

A society where half the work force (women) are supposed to stay at home for unpaid work is not sustainable - neither culturally nor economically. It is bad for the women, for the men - and for the kids (who ideally need two active parents).

Uffe, I'm not against men contributing in raising children, that's perfectly ok. But the problem, you see, the completely full time stay-home daddy phenomenon has adverse societal consequences. We can start by pointing the education statistics. If you go to any University in Sweden, or Portugal or England or the United States, or Japan, you'd see that women now outnumber men by a large margin. That means that soon all the white collar fields will be filled by women. There's nothing wrong with that, but really, if there was a balance, it would be better. After all, I don't think women would want their husbands/ boyfriends emasculated by being the sole bread winners, because in the long run that's what will happen: full-time stay-at-home daddies are bound to be emasculated.

A balanced child raising approach, I think, would be better. Like for instance, how about you help the economy by hiring a full time Cape Verdean nanny? After all, would it hurt you financially by paying a local nanny 150 dollars a month? When you to do this you'd then be able to maybe work part time or volunteer your services to a local organization. Don't you think these are sensible suggestions?

Thanks again for posting your views on this subject. It is an issue close to my heart so I will deal with it in some length to explain my point of view.

First of all, I think that your suggestion is perfectly sensible. In fact, we already employ more people than we reasonably need here, precisely because we want to support the local economy. We have a full time maid and a gardener as well as a night guard, and in addition to that also a nanny – which, as I mentioned above, is a true luxury for me as it gives me some time off to e.g. learn Portuguese, play tennis or write a blog. And by Cape Verdean Standards I think it is fair to say that we over-pay them; significantly more than 150 USD/month, plus benefits. Moreover, I am currently exploring ways of working as a volunteer. But I actually hesitate a little to come as a foreigner and take a job a Cape Verdian could do, especially since there is a 24% unemployment rate here. It doesn't seem right. For other ways I try to contribute to the local economy please see my previous blog on “Small scale philanthropy”.

Secondly, please don’t get me wrong. I am not at all advocating that dads stay at home forever, completely taking over the role women have today. I myself am on leave from a so called career job as a high level government official in Sweden, where I have worked very hard the past 12 years. My intention is to go back to that line of work after 2-3 years, when we leave CV. But by then, by taking this time to be a full time dad to my son, getting to know him better than I would ever be able to do otherwise, I am sure that I will be a better parent and have a better relationship with my son as well as with my wife. It’s a tremendous investment for me. And - we will also achieve a more balanced and equal role as parents; something that will in turn positively shape my son’s view on gender equality when he grows up.

Emasculated… well, what is considered masculine is and has always been decided by a social and cultural context – which has changed over times. In Sweden, which is the country I know best, the current trend is clear: women (especially women with academic education) tend to view men who do not take an active part in child rearing as unattractive; as men who have problems with their masculine identity. (My wife insists that I write here that she thinks that a man who is competent is sexy, and that someone who both can have a challenging career and be a devoted father is definitely competent in her view.)

Finally, I somehow wish that what you are saying about the fact that women occupy more seats in universities would lead to women taking over the white collar arena was true, since I believe that it is fair that jobs are given to those most competent. Unfortunately, however, gender matters more than qualifications. We might think otherwise, but there is overwhelming statistic evidence that shows the real picture.

Again taking Sweden as the example, women have outnumbered men at universities since at least 1977 – every single year! – and the gap has steadily been widening between the sexes. Yet, has this lead to more women, or even the equal number of women, on executive posts? Being more educated, do women have higher salaries, as they rightly should? Unfortunately NO! Far from it! Male executives dominate in every single sector, in particular in the private sector. And women earn only about 90% of the men’s salary for the same work (statistics from 2002).

The fact that the women are more educated and qualified apparently is of no consequence. What makes it even worse is that these numbers are from Sweden, which is generally considered one of the most advanced in the world when it comes to gender equality. The situation in most other countries can therefore be expected to be even worse.

So – I would say most unfortunately – I don’t think you have to worry about women taking over the white collar jobs. Not for a long, long time, anyway.

In my view, the goal is to give equal opportunities for men and women regarding both family life and career, which includes a 50/50 division in parental leave. And the right to the same pay for the same work. Humanity has come a long way until now, 2007. But in gender equality, we are lagging far far behind. Nevertheless, one day I am sure that this goal will be realized, and until then I will keep on debating it and practising it as far as I can.

Well, now that you've explained yourself and predicament further, I feel like I had jumped the gun on you. My bad. But in any case, please do continue to employ to those CV gardner, maid and nanny. They really need that money. See, it's kinda funny, I was thinking that maybe by suggesting you hire a CV nanny for $150 USD, that you'd consider doing so, but low and behold, you are already employing one at a rate higher than $150USD. Good job.

Now, about men ultimately becoming emasculated if they were to become permanent stay-home-daddies, I now think that you agreed with that posture, because as you stated, you don't have the intention of becoming a permanent stay-at-home-daddy, you plan to go back to work in the foreseable future. That's a good plan, and I think, that's the only way a balanced work force gender ration can be achieved, otherwise it wouldn't take such a long time for the tables to be turned.
On a different note, if you were to decide to volunteer your services to a local Cape Verdean organization, government or NGO, I don't think you'd be hurting anybody. You see, by "volunteering", I mean taking a non-paid job. Cape Verdeans are not known to be fond of volunterring or working for free. That's a luxury that arguably only "first world" foreigners like you can afford.
Finally, I would suggest that if you really would like to help the Cape Verdeans, if would be better that you learn their culture throughly. And The quickest way to learn the Cape Verdeans' culture (any people's culture, in fact) is to learn their language. Languages are the best reflections of cultures and cultures strongly influence the thought process of people. That being said, by all means, learn Kriolu, the true language of the CVs, the main influence in their thought process. Portuguese is what CVs use to speak to foreigners. It's not their language. This is evident in the fact that most Cape Verdeans can not express themselves well in portuguese.
Kriolu is the linguistic soul of Cabo Verde. Considering this, you wouldn't want them to converse with you or you conversing with them in a language they don't quite dominate, would you?

All in all, if you really want the Cape Verdeans to truly befriend you, you'd learn Kriolu. This way, your foreigness would become less conspicous, and as a result, you'd become more effective in your intereactions with Cape Verdeans. If fact, once you become fluent in Kriolu, your foreigness would dilute (as it should) significantly, and you'd then become a guest, a treasured friend, di kelotu ladu di atlantiku, dun pais amigo, ki djuda Kabu Verdi txeu ta tempu di guera di indipendensia, y tambe dispos di indipendensia. In short, in a short period of time, once you start your Cape Verdean language learning process, you'll be able to know the important meaning of the above words in Kriolu which, by the way, reflect your country's historical relationship with Cabo Verde.

I deleted this message as it was not in the good thread...

OK then I will also delete my response.

Kakau, your thoughts on the need to learn kriolu make a lot of sense. In fact our son is already picking up a lot of kriolu; words like sabi, fisch, pishi and teng. Without even trying...

It is my genuine intention to learn kriolu, at least the basics. For the moment however, I am struggeling hard with another new language, Portuguese. I thought that it would be wise to learn Portugues first, and then kriolu, since there are some similarities between the languages, and most formal texts in CV are in Portuguese.

One challenge when trying to learn kriolu however is that there seems to be very few, if any, language coarses in kriolu, and I don't know of any glossary books or grammar books, eg kriolu-english. Maybe you could help me on this? In any case, I intend to make an effort to learn kriolu very soon.

This book, PA NU PAPIA KRIOLU, by Manuel Gonsalves, would be ideal for you. It was specifically written with people like you in mind. It's English-Kriolu. Buy it today!

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