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Weapons of Math Instruction

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the attorney general said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," a Justice Department spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

Read more jokes at The Jokes/Piadas page of FORCV.com:

forcvconnection.blogspot.com/2005/02/jokes-piadas.html

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Njoroge gets married, and on his wedding night calls his father to get some tips on what to do since he had never been with a woman before.
"So what do I do first?"
His father: "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed" 5 minutes later Njoroge is on the phone again.
"She's naked and in bed what do I do now?" His father can't believe what he is hearing,
"Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her."
After another 5 minutes Njoroge is on the phone again.
"Dad, I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?" His father's patience is now running out so he says,
"Shit son, do I have to spell everything out to you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Good night !!!!
"Just when his father starts snoring, his son is on the phone again.
"OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?"
"Drown yourself, you bloody idiot!"

One day in ESL class.... A polish, italian, and a Portuguese guy...are
asked by their teacher to make up a sentence using the words green,
pink, and yellow.

The polish guy says "my garden has green lettuce, pink roses, and yellow pears.

Beautiful said the teacher The italian guy stands up and says "my
wife, she weara pink, an green, an yellow, dresses, she looka
beatuful"

The Portuguese guy turn now, he stands up, and you can tell hes
thinking really hard, finnaly opens his mouth and says "this
morning....i wake ap.....and the phone green green, so i a pink it up,
and saya yellow"

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord,

love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a

strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband
Store.
Watch your step as you exit the building,

and have a nice day!

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not
realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now".

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then
she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."


Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would
go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love

and to forgive him, and for Patience, for
his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll just beat him to death.

One day, Jimmy Joe

was walking down Main Street

when he saw his buddy Bubba

driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him

with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you?

I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,
but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe,

let me tell you what happened.
We were driving out on County Road 6,
in the middle of nowhere.
Bobby Sue pulled off the road,
put the truck in 4-wheel drive,
and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out,
threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before
the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd...
"Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it,
we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, ''Amen'' ...